Maybe So, Maybe No

Call me an opportunist, I don’t care, but I can’t help that I’m always chasing after something. I’m always looking for something more. It’s who I am, who I’ve always been. I don’t like to slow down. I hate having to stop and examine (or re-examine) myself, the things I’ve done, the people I’ve met, etc.

I have yet to meet someone who can catch up with me.

I have yet to meet someone who I willingly slow down for.

I’ve noticed that I’ve begun to see people as novelties; someone new comes around, and I find myself wanting them to entertain me with fresh ideas and different perspectives. Yet like all things, the novelty wears off and I grow bored/tired/irritated. Maybe it’s just me constantly on the defense. I’ve grown weary of emotions and would not like to deal with it. I’m obviously passive-aggressive and when I get to a breaking point, my emotions tend to spill out like verbal diarrhea; it is ugly, messy, embarrassing. I’d rather pull away or remain emotionally unavailable than to get anywhere near that point.

I’ll be the first to admit that I go to great lengths to keep myself in check. There’s been one too many times where I’ve lost control of the situation and, more importantly, myself. Even just thinking about it is enough to make me wince and shake my head in shame. I don’t want to go there again. My pride is very important to me. I don’t want to be the kind of girl who forgets that.